Something I feel Strongly aboutOctober 19, 2008 at 5:26 pm | Posted in Family, Fiancé, random, Rant, Serious | 6 Comments
Please excuse me as I derail the blog for a moment to speak out about something that really bothers me.
I don’t normally do this because I feel that there are a number of things one shouldn’t talk about that could spark anger, frustration and the like in others. Some taboo topics with me are religion, politics, sexuality etc.
However, after having a very busy week filled with more family than I usually care to acknowledge I would like to use my blog to spew some frustration that I cannot spew at my Mother.
One of the biggest issues/fights/disagreements that my mother and I have is to do with my weight.
She thinks I’m becoming fat.
Every time I see her there is at least one comment made revolving around my weight, a specific part of my body and its size, or whether or not I’m on a diet.
Now I need to put this into some perspective. See, up until I was about 22, I was what you would call skinny.
In fact, I was more what you would call…. anorexic. I was 5’5″ and 95 lbs. Don’t believe me? Here’s exhibit A and B.
Frightening isn’t it… I’m 21 in those pictures and I’m dressed like a child because pretty much the only clothes that would fit me were children’s size. I was a size 0, by society’s standard I was perfect!
I was thin, average height, and I died my hair blond (I actually have mousey brown hair). However, I wasn’t happy.
I had a very bad body image because I was so skinny, I felt disgusting in a bikini because of how my ribs stuck out. My mom loved showing me off to people, taking me out. She and I always fought because I refused to wear makeup or dress pretty. I didn’t see myself as she did. She thought I was perfect, beautiful and ready to become Paris Hilton (before there was a Paris Hilton).
Me, I’m one of the boys, plus I thought I was horrifically ugly and that no one would want to have someone who was skin and bones as a girlfriend. Not to mention that I was unhealthy. I would get a cold at the beginning of October, and be stuck with it (in varying severities) until April at least.
Then when I was 22 I went on the pill. This was more to do with a very serious hormonal imbalence than with the pill’s more standard purpose. And lo and behold, I suddenly hit puberty. My body got the memo and realized that I was an adult. And my mom went berzerk.
First thing that happened was I “ballooned” up to 130 lbs in about 6 months. I gained my figure and became regular (HALLELUJA!!!!)
Over the next 3 years to now I have plateaued with my weight, I slowly continued to gain weight to 150lbs *GASP*, however I’ve been steadily between 145 and 150 for about the last year at least.
This of course sends my mother into conniptions. I’m obviously fat, or at the very least heading in that direction.
I tried, at one point, to reason with her. I was moving and had my friend helping me get my bed out of her house, and this was the first time she’d met him. I took a couple of moments while he was taking his shoes off to follow my mom into the kitchen and the following dialogue ensued.
Me: Mom, I was taking my measurements for a costume yesterday and I noticed something. You see here, this part of my thigh, it’s 20 inches around… that’s how skinny my waist used to be. (I foolishly thought it would make her realize how horrifically skinny I had been)
Mom: (looking me straight in the face and with no sense of humour at all) Well you are a bit of a thunder thighs Jess…
My friend’s jaw dropped. He couldn’t believe my mom said that, not only straight to my face, but in front of him when she’d known him less than five minutes.
He still mentions that moment, my Mom states it never happened.
Recently I was buying clothes, and I had naturally migrated to the 3-5 size section because, when you’ve bought that for the last 10 years of your life, it’s hard to step back. As I was trying on clothes I realized something.
Not only and I no longer a 3-5 size, I’m actually a 9-13… and I’m ok with that.
I have a very good body image now, I have CURVES! I have a fiancé who loves me and loves the way I look. I’m healthy (I went to my doctor’s and they didn’t bat an eyelash at my weight), I have one, maybe two minor colds a year, and I feel good!
As I realized this I decided that I was going to take pictures to keep in my memory that just because I’m no longer a size 0 means nothing when it’s compared to how I feel about myself.
I’m just amazed at how women are not only destructive to themselves, but to others. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard one woman describe another as a “bertha butt” or some other derogatory name regarding her weight.
I honestly think that body image and the illness of Anorexia and Bulimea are started at home. If we were more supportive of each other, in the house, in school, on the streets and at work, then maybe we would realize that 150 lbs is all right.
Honestly, the amount of times the topic of weight came up at work and an otherwise healthy, happy woman would say she wants to lose 15 pounds, when in reality, her issues were with toning and she really just needed to do some crunches, I can’t begin to tell you.
I just think that a lot of issues for women could be helped if we would only look at the beauty that is there. If you’re healthy, what does it matter if you have ‘birthing hips’ or what not, why does size have to be such an issue.
Like I said, I’m now, on average, a size 10, and I would rather be here than be a size 0 any day. If only because I’ve been there, and I know how horrible it is.
Besides, if at a size 10 I can still wear an outfit like this and be comfortable (and get boyfriend bonuses) then there really isn’t a problem, is there…
Till Next Time!